Monday, October 3, 2011

Show me what you got, Apple.

Chances are, the "talk" won't last very long before the audience raids the stage to rip the phone off of Steve Jobs.

As you may all know, my beloved iPhone 3G was stolen from me while I was vacationing in Hong Kong last year. Almost at the same time, my iPod Classic 80GB decided to kamikaze itself to death. In other words, I've gone from having two Apple products down to none.

Since then, I've tried to survive this Apple drought with an 8GB 4th generation iPod nano to combat the lack of music between travels; and a LG phone that I've had since grade 10 to combat... Well okay, no one ever calls me anyway. How have I done? Well, I've gone nearly suicidal when we ran out of music to play during the one-week roadtrip to Wyoming (always prepare over 2000 songs for a trip that long), and my gigantic dinosaur of a phone -- man, that thing deserves a paragraph by itself.

My old LG phone has quite the character. The flip screen flops about like a dog with its ears sticking out a car window; it has the reception performance of an old Soviet radio tower; and when it does get calls, it drops 'em faster than a drunk man walking on stilettos. On the bright side, sending a text message feels a lot like going on Twitter -- in that it has a 100-character limit before it bans me from sending a message. It forces me to be creative.

Suicidal, too.

My, you have no idea how long I've waited to retire you again.

Obviously, to hold out for this long without a proper iPod and a smartphone turns out to be, well, quite a challenge. I've always maintained that the release of the next iPhone -- the iPhone 5 a.k.a. the-most-anticipated-Apple-product-since-the-last-Apple-product-that-rolled-out-of-their-factory -- would be nigh.

Yep. I started saying it since March. It's October now, and it hasn't happened yet. Like Harold Camping, we both aren't very good at predicting the Second Coming. (the method being something along the lines of: "March! No? April! No? What about May then? Oh bugger... June! July? August?..." etc etc)

Unlike Mr. Camping, however, I finally have proof that the rapture-- I mean, the release of the iPhone 5, is happening.

And yes bitches, it's happening tomorrow. Already rumours have been flying all over the place -- the phone will have a new A5 chip that would put the hadron collider to shame, a camera that could rival the Hubble Telescope, an operating system that could cure cancer, a storage that can store thousands of hours of music (or around 10 songs by Pink Floyd), and a brushed-Aluminum case that is smoother than a baby's bottom.

Oh, apparently there's this crazy rumour about how you can use it to call your friends too. Although obviously you won't have any friends, because you'd be too busy locked in your bedroom playing Angry Birds on the Retina® display.

You Android and Blackberry fanboys just weep in your misery while I get my hands on my future iPhone 5. Sure, it'll probably bankrupt me and I'll probably be doing time for all the banks I robbed to get my hands on one. But hey, it'll be worth it. Anything that could put my cell phone back in retirement would be great. All those time I spent waiting for a new iPhone will soon be over. I can have an insane amount of songs with me everywhere I go again. My life will be complete.

Can't wait to see what Apple has up its sleeve tomorrow. Apple, you've managed to get me all hyped up.

... So if it isn't good, I will come to California to shove my old LG phone up your ass.

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