Ideally...

Not a lot of things have gone the way I wanted lately. For one, technology has a vendetta toward me lately it seems -- things have gone wrong with my laptop, my headphones and a game I forked over 60 bucks for. School's started and classes have been less than steller, to be honest. I finally escaped from a long dreadful semester of statistics, only to find myself emerging into a class that talks about geometry and trigonometry. I've spent a lot more time being alone at home as of late and as a result, my mind wanders off in all directions and brings back an avalanche of stupid thoughts. I have a bad tendency to over-think at times, and there are only so many comedy shows on YouTube to distract myself with before I become possessed by the curse of my own mind again.

Yes, I've been down lately.

It's usually times like this when I find myself wondering about the ideals vs. reality -- the what-ifs; if-nots; wouldn't-it-be-great-if... blah blah blah. "If" could be such a powerful word precisely because it brings you to a world that doesn't exist. If things went the way you wanted. If only. Reality is often more disappointing, isn't it? Recently I found myself thinking about an alternate universe where, Simon, a 22-year-old in Vancouver, lives in a world where things goes his way just a little more.

"If only..."

In an ideal world, my headphones wouldn't be so flimsy that it breaks whenever I pull the cord.

In an ideal world, the hinge of my laptop screen wouldn't be so flimsy either.

In an ideal world, the sales person wouldn't lie to me by saying that the laptop came with international warranty when it actually applies in Asia only. Now I have a laptop that would disintegrate if I bring it out and HP Canada wouldn't fix it. And the warranty is expiring in 3 days.

In an ideal world, NHL 12 won't be the most overpriced, glitchy and laggy piece of horse manure that I've ever played. And I would actually enjoy playing it right now.

In an ideal world, the DeLorean time machine from Back to the Future and the portal from Being John Malkovich exist so I could go back to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final -- where I'd wait until the final 15 minutes, hack into Tim Thomas's head and force him to let in 5 goals just before the game is over.

In an ideal world, I'd be driving a Volkswagen Golf GTI or an E30 M3.

In an ideal world, I would have longer fingers so I can play chords properly instead of having the guitar sitting in the corner of the closet for years now.

(Actually I wish I wouldn't be so shit at music in general...)

In an ideal world, I would write and speak much better English than I could now. I've always envied the likes of Stephen Fry and Aaron Sorkin -- who always seem to have the ability to play with words so effortlessly and taking language into a true art form.

In an ideal world, I wish I'd come to Canada sooner. My 17-year stay in Hong Kong was 10 years too long.

In an ideal world, university wouldn't be such a creativity-killer. I wish I could enjoy writing again.

In an ideal world, high school in Hong Kong wouldn't be such a confidence-killer either.

In an ideal world, I wouldn't have recurring nightmares about studying in Hong Kong because of a broken education system.

In an ideal world, I would've preferred if that same broken education system didn't drive my friend Bernard to suicide at the age of 15.

In an ideal world, my relatives would stop nagging me about moving back to Hong Kong. It isn't going to happen.

In an ideal world, I would stop being jealous of other people's happiness.

In an ideal world, I wouldn't be still trapped in a relationship that ended over 4 years ago.

In an ideal world, it'd be more "Happy Together" that reminds me of you, rather than "Two Weeks in Hawaii".

In an ideal world, we'd be living on the same continent.

In an ideal world, the sight of you two together on facebook wouldn't crush me like a freight train.

In an ideal world, I should've manned up and said what needed to be said when I saw you last year. I lost courage and words escaped me.

In an ideal world, you wouldn't come crying to me everytime he breaks your heart only to go off again when he does superficial things to cheer you up.

In an ideal world, I would be able to move on and be happy for other people.

In an ideal world, things wouldn't be so hard.

In an ideal world, I would stop wondering about these things.

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In this night I need to call you,
but all our lines are blown
If only you knew how empty I feel
Maybe then you're lonely too
And it's tearing through you like a puncture wound
Maybe no one knows what to do
When we know we're alone
In a temporary home
Maybe we'll realize
That's a blessing in disguise
A blessing in disguise

Well don't you know the sound of anger
Brings a dark result
And every insult is like a lightening bolt
So go home now oh yeah you do not have one
To some guy that you don't know
And make a baby
That won't change my problem though

I spent the last three years setting myself
On fire for you, I spent the last three years
Never knowing if what you say is true
And it will be this way til one of us dies
Is that a blessing in disguise?
It's a blessing in disguise?

And I tell myself what we're living for
And say rejoice evermore
Till one of us dies

Well I confess that so far happiness
Eludes me in my life
You better hurry up if it's ever to be mine
Better hurry up now if we're ever going to find
What we're living for
If it's not you anymore
I'll learn to sing
Evermore
Rejoice evermore

Third Eye Blind - Dao of St. Paul.